down.. down.. deeper down

its going down
down the pipes
or the sewer
or wherever mood and good humour
go

instead i have
a big lump of anxiety
in my gut
and a lead weight
in my head

and a voice
that tells me it's all a waste of time
give up

can't possibly go anywhere
work!  out of the question!

eyes flat and face deadpan
tears holed up
just inside my eyes

which feel curiously dry
but if i need to talk to anyone
well then they're gonna flood
gonna  flood
meanwhile
rain is falling in my heart

jed doesn't have a flat

imagine my surprise
i thought it was a done deal
done my grieving
planned ahead
thought through the options

the flat fell through

hmmm

Jed has a flat

children born
children grow
children leave

mother loves
mother grows
mother happy

mother lost

one more
time
one will leave

then i'll be
single again

after all these years

happy they go
sad they go
loss infused with accomplishment

time reclaimed
life's cogs turn
to the next click

webs

cleaning all the tiny cobwebs
away
but they cling
and some just won't budge

the spider's moved on
but the webs cannot

until i come along
to wipe them away

cleaning the debris
severing the tiny strings

making way for new
connections

but gossamer
still blows in the wind
and sticks to
whatever
it can find

unnamed ...unblamed

it's like this see
you won't believe it
when i tell you

it's not
well it is the colour
it's embrace
so tender
tight, so tight

unintended violence
kills the mood
scraping out a song
as it skates over old wounds
turning everything red

sound echoes
becomes unreal
time is eclipsed
becomes a pictogram
like a sliver of moon
so cool and perfectly white

but always
the never ending
song of melancholy
begs for more
boom boom banga b.b.b.boom

reverberating inside the skull
thoughts rattling
expectations jarred, pickled,
preserved in seductive shapes
like aspic transparent, but solid like jelly

in the end
i feel like
i'm still at the beginning
still looking ahead
anticipating so intensely

raindrops shot through with sunshine

laughter pealing
sarcastic lips

it's not my future
nor my past

it's all the uncharted stuff that clogs the brain
i can't help but feed it
and hope it eats itself to death

unfurling

into
liquid
i crumble
like a biscuit filled with cream
unfolding
and
re inventing myself
call
to
the
night
to give me a break

snap
my fingers in time to the rhythm
that runs in my blood
keep the time
beat the time
lose the time
find
everything you wanted
to lose

click
over the moon
and jump into the soft lost memory
it feels deliciously warm
and i call to my mother

i need
i want but wont have a bar of
being held
tight

conquistador of time

you know
some days
some people
some thing
always sticks
in my throat
i cough
and sneeze
and inhale vapour
i
watch
mist
fold over all thats familiar
and
it has a beauty
it's air
but its mysterious
because
its opaque
i
see
glimpses
of moments
times when someone was by my side
and
it was happy
or boring
or sad
or exciting
or
i
question it all
and
you know