a light is needed

again and again
the fearful
blood rushing to my head
extremities go numb
incomprehension at the rage
being thrown at me

sound of plates and glasses smashing
being shouted at
being told
i'm wrong
i'm difficult
being shouted at
told i'm saying things in a way that is insulting

i answered a question in the wrong tone of voice

i made one comment
'i just did a load of dishes before'

this was called a lecture

i am unhappy
i am living in an oppressive situation
there is a lack of flexibility and joy

there is swearing
negativity
violence
hatred

i must rescue myself

fall over

fall in
fall out
fall all about
fall over
me in the middle of the road

fall in to me
fall to the soft white folds
lean over and kiss
my
cheek
for
i am feeling sad
and lost to the pale promises
made many years
ago

before i knew
the harsh reality
of self rescue

ingratitude has
grown
in my heart

i am watering
and weeding
and replenishing
as i am able

but my will
has been stretched thin over
shapes that don't give
only take
waving money in my face

still there is
never enough

i have lessons
to learn

i pray to myself
asking for inner wisdom
to speak to me
in my native tongue

spill seed on fertile soil
grow strong
make it count
to 100 and keep adding
noughts