invention of no

im looking for me
im here
but im lost
in rhymes
and nonsense

trapped
in the sad lost hopes
of my mothers mothers mother

im looking for real
life
not this pretend one
the one that's painted
on

freed
from the convictions
of times gone by

im just tickling
the surface
peeling away old paint
and clutter

shot through with hope
striving for 100% coverage
and the end of that
pain, that painful pain, the one
that says
no you cant
youre not good enough
youre a fake
youre not clever enough
youre not talented
you didnt get a degree
youre fat
youre shaped all wrong
youre boring
youre old
the one who knows
they're all laughing behind their hand

the one that knows
they're all totally aware of my inadequacies
even more than i am

that pain is a real pain
but it's not real
it's made up.